Broken

It has taken me a great deal of time to share this with you. It has been on my heart for some time, but I have been hesitant and reluctant to write it down. It has to do with being naked and unashamed in a way that was more personal than anything I have ever

shared before. It has to do with facing my failures and shortcomings. Not just

the ones that you can see, but the ones only I know about. The ones that no one

even knows to ask about, nor have they any idea that they could be quest of

mine.  More than that, it is not about

outside factors that caused me to not achieve or attain the goals or

aspirations that I was after, but rather myself that caused my failures. About

how I managed to stay in my own way at every turn that appeared to lead to greater progress and opportunity. So I pray

this really blesses someone and helps them to allow the process of mending,

healing and gaps being filled in to take place with understanding.

 

I am truly a nice guy. I have done many great things in my life to assist others in attaining the desires of their hearts. I have been many things to many people. I have a

achieved many great things and been many places that I never dreamed because of

others I have been associated with and linked to throughout the years. The only

problem is, I did them all at a cost of my own dreams and desires. I did things

I am not particularly proud of including lying, stealing and deceiving those I

love. I have been mostly honest my

entire life, except where I saw an advantage that led me to be where I needed

in order to provide the illusion of success and happiness.  Only problem being is that it is impossible

to stand on a lie.  It is almost

impossible to maintain a fallacy for too long. Mind you, I didn’t do any of it

to be malicious, I thought I was doing something good because the people near

me were excited and enthusiastic about all that was transpiring. But in retrospect,

I am able to see that many of them were excited because I was serving their

purpose. I was a stair to get them closer to what they wanted and where they

wanted to go. I was doing all the things they were actually either unable,

afraid or unwilling to do. I was wrong. I was just a pawn in their game of

life. Failing to be all that I needed in my own.

 

Why was I so eager to

please others?  Why was it their approval

that meant so much to me? What kept drawing me to fill the emptiness of others

while I was obviously missing something myself? In the last few months, I just

realized who I am and what really means something to me. In the last few

months, I have strangely learned to focus on the desires of my heart and the

things that matter to me the most. I have written and shared most of it all for

those who follow me so that they too might be able to use my experience if they

saw where it might be of help to them. With this one, I hope to bring those who

like myself have lost their way. Those who have forgotten who they are and what

matters to them most. Those who have sold themselves short to sponsor the

dreams of others while falling short of their own. Because the thing that I

realized is that I was broken. Damaged as it were. Not completely whole due to

something that was missing in my own life. Something that I used the things and

activities I did with these others to fill that void. But it was only temporary

and in the end, unfulfilling. I still don’t know exactly what it was/is, but I

have in the last few months of determining who I am and what I truly desire

fill the void closing. I feel that space being filled. And it wasn’t until I

gave up on myself and allowed God to step in and show me the way back. Until I

found myself in a place that I was unable to do anything for myself and allowed

God to feed me, house me and clothe me. In a place where I had to understand

true humility and forsake any sense of pride.

 

You see, for the last

several months I have been without. I have been on my own from family and those

who called themselves friend. I have been where God has been made more and more

evident to me each day. Not that I didn’t know or trust Him, but to really give

myself over to completely trust. To allow for God to use who He would to aid me

in this time. To allow him to show himself to me in and through every situation

that I have faced. In doing so, I have also determined the direction of my own

actions. Because I have to do my part of the work in order to get where I

desire to go. First thing is I have to be true to myself. I have to remain

focused on the dreams and desires I have for my own life. While I want to help

and be there for others, I cannot allow it to interfere with my own focus. I

know who I am. I know what I want and desire. I have been given another chance.

A new lease on life. A fresh start. It is hard, but I have been up and down

before. This time I am playing for keeps. This time I am building on a solid

foundation. This time I am not going to waste my time, talents and gifts. For

the first time I see great things ahead FOR ME. For the ones who mean the most

to me, my children. For those who truly love and support me.

 

Now, I have to apologize

to anyone who reads this that I have wronged. Anyone who my word has fallen

short and not returned what was promised. I hope that you will forgive me. I am

going to be more honorable. I am going to be more of a man. I am going to be a

better Marcus. I am going to no longer halfway do anything, I am going to be

all in or all out. I am going to be a better father. I am going to be a better

employee. I am going to be a better servant to those God uses me to serve. I am

going to be a better student. A better lover. I aspire to excel in all I put my

hands to. I trust that God is going to keep me and guide me. I trust that God

is going to provide all my needs and bless me with the desires of my heart.

 

I have cried more in this

season because I realized that I am broken. I have been more humbled because I

realize that God is doing a work in my life. I have been more focused and

determined in this season because I am trusting that even if I fail, at least I

will be doing my best to have my own desires. If my best isn’t good enough,

then I will work that much harder trusting in God. For those who have been

wondering about the scriptural foundation for all I am saying, I will just say

that I was a broken vessel who went back to the potter to be put back together

again. Not only is he fixing me, but God is making me yet a new creation. I am

believing that he is going to restore the years I have lost. I am trusting that

he will lead me into all truth and understanding pertaining to my life and the

people or things in it. I am going to keep looking to the hills from which my

strength and help come from. I am going to take my rightful place at the right

hand of the Father and be all I was created to be and do all I was created to

do.

 

With that being said, I

challenge you to take a look at your life and determine if you are where you

want to be. Figure out what in you is hindering you. Face it and do what is

needed to have it removed. Search yourself and realize what you want and desire

in your life. If you are missing something, muster the courage to do what you

must to attain it. It is time to live the more abundant life. It is time to

achieve your goals. Destiny is waiting on you. What are you waiting for? I pray

you well in all of your endeavors and I hope that this has been a blessing to

you. I am blessed to have gotten it out to share. ~Blessings